the suppositoreum

Gravity

2010-05-01T11:32:00.001-07:00

What a downer.

in lieu of flowers

2009-04-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

My pet worm died today. It will be dug up on Saturday. Light snacks and cocktails.

belief #3

2009-04-13T11:46:00.001-07:00

There is an implied social contract in which the meeting of its terms and conditions falls to the choices we make. Although we share the burden of free will, the responsibility of choice is uniquely our own with the resultant consequence having to be met. Difficult choices will always have to be made, but making the right choice is not difficult when the underlying principle is respect for others. The consequence is dignity for ourselves.

GPS

2009-03-27T08:24:00.001-07:00

That's all I need: another bitch in the car telling me which way to go.

of wrinkles and ear hair

2009-01-15T07:47:00.001-08:00

I never used to be this old.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T17:17:00.001-08:00

That's right! Christmas. Not Happy Holidays. Not Season's Greetings. Merry Christmas. It's my time of year. You have yours, and I have mine, and it's Christmas. Mine has Jap oranges, chocolates, baby Jesus, donkeys, and a manger. Yours has whatever. I don't begrudge yours, please let me have mine. Whether you're a Jew, a Muslim, or a ferret, I really don't care, I'm going to wish you a Merry Christmas. Are you really offended? Really? Why would you care? Don't be a complete asshole. Take the plug out and give yourself an egg-nog enema.

It's a time of peace and goodwill for Christ's sake.

time's revocation of death encounters rejection

2008-12-18T20:46:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about my screenwriting career so far, and it dawned on me; I don't have a will.

scrippets

2008-10-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

John August was instrumental in developing, or helping to develop, Scrippets. It's a neat little bit of code that allows you to enter an excerpt from a script that will result in a properly formatted scene.

Here is a scene I wrote that was a finalist in the Rouge Wave's August Short Scene Competition:

[scrippet]
EXT. CUBAN COUNTRYSIDE - 1937

Young entrepreneurs, CHE(9) and FIDEL(11), sit at a roadside table from which they sell pineapple slices.

Music plays from a small radio on the ground beside them. Across the road, in a grassy field, a couple dances the Argentine Tango.

Down the road, in the distance, RUBEN ZALDIVAR(36) approaches carrying a suitcase in each hand. He wears a suit and tie.

Upon his arrival, he unburdens himself and pulls a handkerchief from his jacket pocket to wipe his face, neck, and brow.

RUBEN ZALDIVAR
The August sun is hot.

CHE
Where did you come from?

RUBEN ZALDIVAR
Banes. Three hundred miles behind.

CHE
Where you going?

RUBEN ZALDIVAR
Havana. Four hundred miles beyond.

CHE
Why are you walking?

RUBEN ZALDIVAR
The destination is much sweeter if a man suffers his journey.

CHE
But the aftertaste is bitter. No?

A pig riding a motorcycle speeds past on a wave of dust. Ruben Zaldivar pulls his wallet from an inside breast pocket. A photograph of Shirley Temple falls to the ground as he presents a credit card to the boys.

FIDEL
We don't take American Express.

The motorcycle returns to stop in front of the trio. Ruben Zaldivar, suitcases in hand, climbs on the back. The photograph flutters as the pig and man speed off.

[/scrippet]

being original has already been done

2008-08-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've noticed an awful lot of writers using the exact same words I do.

masturbation means never having to say you're sorry

2008-08-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Openly acknowledging one’s foibles can be somewhat liberating. So, through this uncharacteristic dalliance with candor, I’ll admit it; mosquitoes, upon capture, dead or alive, are unmercifully dismembered. There, I said it. Pluck, pluck, pluckity-pluck. Wings, legs, proboscides, and heads methodically detached from bodies. Neither proud nor ashamed, it’s just something I do, unselfishly, for the greater good. You're welcome.

Writing, on the other hand, is a purely selfish endeavor. A self-gratifying indulgence that does not require a tissue.

fuck it

2008-08-19T16:34:00.001-07:00

The Olympic Games are all about excellence. Athletes who train for and compete in the Games have demonstrated their penchant for it. They have what it takes. Their desire and commitment for excellence is, curiously, what makes them excel. The same can be said of writers. Talent is assigned at birth, but it's only the cultivation of it, the desire and the commitment, that produces excellence. A healthy awareness of one's talent is half the battle and a foundation upon which legitimate targets can be set. Those who seriously pursue excellence don't indulge in delusion nor engage the intangible. They are focused only on the prize and what it takes to achieve it.

Regardless of how much 'it' you have, the pursuit of excellence should be paramount. Anything less is just ordinary.

When Dope was Dope

2008-07-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

The din of prepubescent exuberance pealed through the neighborhood signaling to all that the prisoners had been released. No more classes. No more homework. No more Mr. Gemmel. We were indeed truly free.

I broke the world record as I pedaled home that day. How could I not have? My tank was full of highly explosive and lethal super-duper rocket fuel made from a mixture of 2 free tickets to Playland (courtesy of the school board), a stellar report card (recommending a pass from grade 6 to 7), and a massive dollop of anticipation (I was to start my paper route the next day). By the way, that rocket fuel, I'm pretty sure, was the very same super-duper concoction that sent Neil Armstrong to the moon almost two years to the day later; although I suspect he used a different recipe.

Anyway, the night before, the newspaper's district manager, Mr Gibson, phoned to say that Phillip Major was moving and his paper route would be available and if I was still interested I could have it but would have to start in two days. Oh my! So soon? One had to be twelve years old in order to deliver papers. I was only eleven but my mother, reluctantly complicit in the deception, gave her blessing. After all, I would be twelve soon enough, it was for a good cause, and I had already sub'd for Brian Simonson on occasion without scrutiny or incident. In the newspaper delivery business the most sought after routes were those consisting of a large number of papers over a few blocks. Phillip Major's route was not one of these. Route 11 was, in fact, the complete opposite. Route 11 by all accounts was the worst in the district. Fifty papers over seven blocks. Simonson's route, by contrast, was ninety papers over three blocks. Route 11 sucked. But, I'd do it.

It was the Summer Of Love. As I carried the headlines door to door, sweet scents of weed and patchouli wafted unrestrained through doors and windows. The songs of the day were the anthems of the generation. Flower power was fueling a revolution. Martin had a dream and Bobby spoke of hope. Fathers and sons and brothers were soon to return. The medium was the message and I was the messenger.

Route 11's fifty papers were a heavy load. That was then. I'm not so sure it would be any lighter today.

Peace.

for sale

2007-10-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Brass brads (and washers), a three hole punch, two reams of 20 lb. paper, two packs of index cards, Final Draft (trial version), and a slew of suggested reading material: Egri, Field, McKee, Seger, Snyder, etc.

when is a hummer not a hummer?

2007-10-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

This morning, it was announced that former U.S. Vice-President Al Gore is this year's recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Awarded for his tireless effort in raising our awareness of global climate change. He argues the planet's warming trend is caused by trapped greenhouse gasses, primarily CO².

Evidence that the planet is actually warming is pretty well documented, however whether we are solely to blame is hypothetical conjecture at best (at least right now). Hindsight may well prove that we are indeed alone in our guilt. Regardless, all the usual suspects have been rounded up, and the parade of potential culprits is pretty colorful: the Chinese and their factories, Latin Americans and their forestry practice, Air Canada's planes, cows and their flatulence, Americans' insatiable love of gas guzzling SUVs to list only a few.

Al and his army are relentless in their mission. And it may be working. ¹When Arnold turned 55 he got a hummer, but complained that Maria didn't like the big one. Apparently it was too wide and she felt ridiculous. ²Arnold finally relinquished his guilty pleasure, but only after viewing An Inconvenient Truth.

And they say Republicans aren't getting the message. Maybe they are, but just don't like having it rammed down their throats.

Sources:
¹(http://www.schwarzenegger.com/)
²(http://www.gmhummer.com/)

special affects

2007-10-03T08:58:00.001-07:00

What you say and do, no matter how inconsequential, can, at times, carry much weight; not only for you, but for those around you, and, in some way, even the universe. No matter what you call it there is no denying the physics of ripples.

Think about it the next time you throw your stone into the pond.

clams rockefeller

2007-09-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

Jane Espenson has, on a couple of occasions, written about and offered examples of clams. She tells us these are jokes or lines that at first hearing were fresh and funny, but when used repeatedly only serve to display subsequent users' laziness and lack of originality.

I watched 30 Rock for the first time last week. It really is very good. Tina Fey is brilliant. However, I was disappointed when Tracy Morgan's character delivered a line about the Interweb.

They should have dug deeper.

Marcel Marceau 1923 - 2007

2007-09-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

dramatic tension

2007-09-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

I've been a screenwriter for a few weeks now. It's not going well. I mean, I spent a fortune on brass brads (and washers), a three hole punch, two reams of 20 lb. paper, two packs of index cards, Final Draft (okay, it's the free trial, but I will buy it if this pans out), and a slew of suggested reading material: Egri, Field, McKee, Seger, Snyder, et al. With all that, you'd think I'd have sold something by now.

pitch and yawn

2007-09-13T10:02:00.002-07:00

The other day I debuted my premise at Starbucks. I think maybe too many rules and an overabundance of dos and don'ts really stifle one's creativity.

Double shots all around.

write what you know

2007-09-07T16:23:00.001-07:00

That's what they say. You should also write everyday. There you have it; missions accomplished.

craig's list

2007-09-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am not gay.
I never have been gay.
I don't do these kinds of things.
I do, however, wipe my ass with toilet paper I pick up from the floor of public restrooms.

Now that's conservative.

the inciting incident

2007-09-05T11:09:00.001-07:00

I'm self employed. I build web based software. I hate my job. Well, maybe not hate. I've made millions of dollars (did I say millions? I meant hundreds) and it has provided a lifestyle worthy of mention by Robin Leach (did I say Robin Leach? I meant it's made me a leach) but it's just so frivolous and meaningless, and pointless and frivolous, and boring and meaningless and well, you know what I mean I'm sure. I had hoped my contribution would be much greater.

The other day my wife and I bumped into Michael Bublé (we live in the same building). We had a nice chat about the Canucks, Tony Bennet, Oprah, his new CD, and how our building's elevators are so slow. I actually hadn't noticed, but he brought it up.

Anyway, after he got off, I thought about our little three-way for a second or two. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Someday you'll understand that.